The Town Tart

A Much Better Cupcake -- Brought to You Martha-Free!

 

Now, this is what I'm talking about.  A trouble-free, delicious, beautiful cupcake.  This is the way baking cupcakes should be.

There were no tears from fretting about screwed-up icing, no guessing about why some cupcakes rose better than others... just easy peasy baking with beautiful results.  I swear I want to kick Martha in the teeth.  Why make things so effing difficult?

The only thing difficult about this recipe was having to reduce the coconut milk -- and it's not really difficult -- just a wee bit time consuming.  AND you MUST make sure to use a pan that is at least 10 times the volume of the liquid because it bubbles up like cream and it can boil over in a shot.

The other drawback to this recipe is the amount of vanilla beans you have to use.  Because I tripled this recipe, I used A LOT of vanilla beans.  Probably 50 bucks worth, on the open market.  But, I buy vanilla beans in bulk, so I really only spent about 4 bucks.  The recipe says you can substitute vanilla extract, and by all means, do so if you don't have a good vanilla bean dealer -- the cupcakes are so moist and good that they don't need the extravagance of the beans... although they are spectac with it.

Vanilla Bean Coconut Cupcakes with Coconut Frosting
Adapted from Epicurious.com

Reduced Coconut Milk:

2 13 to 14-ounce cans coconut milk

Cupcakes:

2 cups all purpose flour
2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 1/3 cups sugar
3 large eggs
Seeds scraped from 1 split vanilla bean or 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup reduced coconut milk (see above), room temperature packages cream cheese, room temperature

Frosting:

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1/3 cup reduced coconut milk (see above), room temperature
Seeds scraped from 1 split vanilla bean or 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups sweetened flaked coconut, lightly toasted (for garnish)

For reduced coconut milk:
Bring coconut milk to boil in large deep saucepan over medium-high heat (coconut milk will boil up high in pan). Reduce heat to mediumlow; boil until reduced to 1 1/2 cups, stirring occasionally, 25 to 30 minutes. Remove from heat; cool completely. Transfer to small bowl. Cover; chill (coconut milk will settle slightly as it cools). DO AHEAD: Can be made 2 days ahead. Keep chilled.

For cupcakes:
Position rack in center of oven; preheat to 350°F. Line eighteen muffin cups with paper liners. Whisk flour, baking powder, and salt in medium bowl. Using electric mixer, beat butter in large bowl until smooth. Add sugar; beat on medium-high speed until well blended, about 2 minutes. Add 2 eggs, 1 at a time, beating well after each addition and occasionally scraping down sides of bowl. Beat in seeds from vanilla bean and remaining egg. Add half of flour mixture; mix on low speed just until blended. Add 1 cup reduced coconut milk; mix just until blended. Add remaining flour mixture; mix on low speed just until blended. Divide batter among muffin cups. Bake cupcakes until tops spring back when gently touched and tester inserted into center comes out clean, about 20 minutes. Transfer cupcakes in pans to rack; cool 10 minutes. Carefully remove cupcakes from pans and cool completely on rack.

For frosting:
Using electric mixer, beat butter in large bowl until smooth. Add sugar, 1/3 cup reduced coconut milk, seeds from vanilla bean, and salt. Beat on medium-low speed until blended, scraping down sides of bowl. Increase to medium-high and beat until light and fluffy.

Using pastry bag fitted with large star tip, pipe frosting onto cooled cupcakes. (Alternatively, top each cupcake with 2 tablespoons frosting. Using small offset spatula, swirl frosting over top of cupcakes, leaving 1/2-inch plain border.) Sprinkle with coconut. DO AHEAD: Can be made 1 day ahead. Store in airtight containers; chill. Bring to room temperature before serving.

Martha's Peanut Butter and Jelly Cupcakes -- eh... whatever...

 

I think it's coming close to the time that I will have to do a formal review of Martha Stewart's Cupcake book... because after three attempts, I have to say, the book just sucks.  At least her frosting recipes suck.  And really, what is a cupcake without frosting?  A cupcake IS just a frosting delivery system.  Nobody really cares about the cake part -- unless it's dry, which by the way, this one was.  Frosting is the key element.  And this is the third time I have had to dump in powdered sugar to save one of her damn frostings.  Let me just say now that if you plan to buy her book, go to Costco and buy a truckload of powdered sugar... you are going to need it.

The Mayor would disagree however.  We had a minor mini-war, as after I made the frosting as directed, The Mayor declared it wonderful.  But let me make the case:  the recipe called for 1/3 cup of powdered sugar to the one cup of peanut butter and 6 ounces of cream cheese.  Any other peanut butter frosting recipe would call for a 1:1 ratio of peanut butter to powdered sugar.  Plus it called for 1/2 teaspoon salt.  This resulted in a very salty, and not at all sweet, frosting.  Which The Mayor would love because he doesn't have a normal sweet tooth.

Me, on the other hand... yuck -- it could gag a gnat.  I needed sugar.  So over great protestation, I dumped in two cups of powdered sugar.  To me, it still wasn't sweet enough, but The Mayor was having a fit, so I quit.

The cake part was okay, but I found them kinda dry.

So, all-in-all, not very successful.

Sure, they disappeared in the kitchen after awhile, but someone left a half cupcake there -- and to me, that isn't a good sign.

Damn that Martha.  When am I going to quit her?  Sheesh.

I've Been Exposed.

 

No more anonymity at work.

I walked in to the work kitchen today with three trays of these sorry looking cookies, hoping once again to be the "Baking Fairy" because, while they tasted good, they were just so ugly that I didn't want to claim them.  [Update:  I just learned I had a nickname -- "The Dessert Ninja!"  LOL!]

But guess what -- I had a mini-mob waiting.  People I've never seen - people whose names I did not know - shouting out my name.  I was overwhelmed.  I was hearing "Those snickerdoodles last week were off the hook!"  "Those strawberry cupcakes were amazing."  I nearly cried.

And then I had to unveil these misshappen pale blobs to awaiting fans.  Good god.  I was mortified.

Of course, all the peeps were totally lovely, saying that they looked great. All I could think about was The Mayor's comment that they looked like boobs.

And then, like a swarm of locusts on a field of corn, the cookies were consumed within minutes.  It must have been a record.  There was nothing left in the trays.

I am so appreciative of their enthusiasm, but I now feel that  -- I need to provide them with something more attractive.  I felt that while I was anonymous, I could drop them off and people wouldn't have any expectations... now, I'm "The Town Tart, Bringer of Cupcakes on Mondays and Cookies on Fridays!"

Which brings me to this damn recipe, and all others like it.  I am declaring war on Finicky.

I don't want to deal with finicky recipes.  I don't want to read "it's okay if the dough is a bit sticky.  Just stick in the freezer along with the baking sheets and chill for 15 minutes.  Meanwhile, separate the dough into eighths, and refrigerate the dough while you are working on one piece."

Bah.  Screw that.

I want cookie dough that I don't have to worry about.  I don't want cookie dough that I have to treat like a baby or a man or a boss.  I got enough of that.  I want simple, honest, cookie dough without this finicky crap.

And finicky is what I got with this recipe for Pennsylvania Dutch Soft Sugar Cookies.  Once again, like the Snickerdoodles, but even worse -- this dough was impossible to work with.  It literally had to be chilled overnight, scooped, froze, flattened, chilled again, keep the rest of the dough frozen while you work.  Oh, and still get results like I got?  No thanks.

So, I am done with finicky.  If a recipe tells me I need to do more than mix, shape, bake, cool, then eat, I'm not doing it.

So there.

And to my work peeps, better cookies and cupcakes are a-comin... I hope. :)

I Want to Poke Martha in the Eye. And I Want Some Reimbursement.

 

Seriously.

I don't think anybody tested the recipes in Martha's Cupcake book.  And I am beyond irritated, as this is the second time I have had a disaster on my hands as a result of bad info from the people behind Martha Stewart.

Of course, I should have been tipped off at the beginning, when, in the intro to Strawberry Cupcakes with Strawberry Meringue Buttercream, it was written that the buttercream recipe appeared on page 316 (it does not -- it is on page 306) AND it says the frosting was made with jam (the recipe on page 306 called for pureed strawberries, not jam.)

So, once again, with blind faith, I am following a Martha recipe without doing research.  Isn't Martha the Doyenne of All Things Cupcakery and Such?  Ha.  Let me say... uh... that would be a no.

The cupcake cake turns out well enough.  I am no expert at baking (hence all the baking lately -- trying to self-teach, which doesn't work so well when I am dealing with the numbnut Martha Stewart editors) so I can't blame small imperfections in the cake when I am dealing with timing, bakeware, and oven issues.

But when making a frosting, and the ingredient list is only 4 or 5 lines long, and the instructions are pretty clear, well f#%k me, but this should be a no-brainer.

Uh-huh.  Making the frosting, it says to add 1 1/2 cups of fresh strawberry puree to the whipped egg whites, sugar, and butter.  So, I do.  And it immediately turns into a god-awful clotted mess.  Really.  It was like Walt Disney threw up. 

Once again, The Mayor comes to the rescue and says, just dump powdered sugar in and whip the hell out of it.  Which, TTT readers, you will recall I had to do last week with the Poo Problem.  Only problem was I had just two boxes of powdered sugar in the house, and as the strawberry clotted goo had 3 sticks of butter, I really needed another box of sugar to save it.  But, I didn't have it, so I got super soft frosting... and I don't even know what you'd call it now, as it sure ain't meringue, even though there were cooked, whipped egg whites in it.  Whatever.  I was cursing Martha yet again.

I get online to find out that her effing website now calls for 1 1/2 cups of strawberry jam.  You'd think the editors of the book would get together with the editors of the website and compare notes.  Sheesh.

These mistakes are EXPENSIVE -- when you are talking about nearly a pound of butter, etc... some people who made the same mistake end up throwing it all away. 

Well, thankfully, the people at work seemed to like even the disasters so I didn't waste the money.  But I will be damned if I follow another Martha recipe without researching reviews on it.  The editors should be shot.

But, in the end... the co-workers didn't seem to notice, as once again, I arrived in the kitchen two hours later to find all three dozen gone, along with a note:

That makes everything worth it!

Snickerdoodling

 

Well, I guess people like Snickerdoodles.

I brought in four dozen to work (minus a few that The Mayor pilfered for quality control concerns) and they were gone within an hour.  And someone even sweetly stacked the empty aluminum trays on top of one another in a neat little pile.

Snickerdoodles.

Do people make these much any more?  They should.

The dough is a small bit finicky as it is really soft -- almost impossible to roll into balls and drench in the cinnamon sugar dusting -- one has to work very quickly.  But the process isn't long or arduous, and like I said, the peeps seem to like them.  I saw one co-worker walking down the hall, happily munching away on a cookie and my heart sang -- so nice to bring a little food happiness to this group.

As I was looking through recipes on the Internet and in books, they all seem to be about the same in ingredients and proportions... so I won't bother with posting the one I used.  It was good to me, but I thought that there surely must be a more workable dough or a better tasting one, but the consensus is Snickerdoodle dough is notoriously soft to work with...  but as The Mayor was performing Quality Assurance this morning, he said, "These are almost addictive."  Well, that kinda says it all.

So, think about Snickerdoodles more often, I say.  They may look a little plain, but looks can deceiving.  My one bit of advice:  buy the Extra Fancy Vietnamese Cinnamon from Penzeys.  I think that may be the secret ingredient.

OMG -- Martha Made Me Bring Poo To Work!

 

Damn that Martha.  Seriously.  Look at that -- can you tell me that doesn't look like a pile of poo?

So, I'm baking these cupcakes and they turn out lovely.  Then on to the frosting, which is supposed to be a chocolate ganache frosting.  I follow the directions perfectly, except I double the amounts.  And if this is what caused it to fail, well then excuse the eff outta me, but sheesh... fail it did.  I'm not experienced with ganache so somebody tell me what went wrong:

Original recipe called for 1 pound of chocolate, 2 1/3 cups of heavy cream, and 1/4 cup of corn syrup.  Heat the cream and corn syrup, pour over the chocolate, stir, stir, stir, refrigerate, and stir until thick and set.

I doubled it -- 2 pounds of chocolate, 4 2/3 cups heavy cream and 1/2 cup corn syrup.  It never came together.  It was liquid chocolate, even after being in the fridge for hours.

So, I threw it into the mixer, dumped in some powdered sugar, and whipped the hell out of it.

Still soft as hell.  I suppose I could have put more powdered sugar in, but jaysus, it was 11pm -- I needed to frost these puppies and go to bed.

And as I set to frost them, I can't help but start shaking with laughter at my continued misfortune, that they look like small piles of poo.  Good grief.  So, I put some little dragees on them, you know, to gussie them up a bit.  The Mayor said, "No -- that's awful -- now it just looks like fancy poo."

Great.

I swear, if I didn't bring these into work anonymously, I wouldn't bring them in at all.  They taste good, but they are u.g.l.y.

In the end, there were a dozen fancy poos, like the picture, and two dozen with frosting just glopped on.

Would you believe, the fancy poos went first?  I guess putting lipstick on a pig DOES make a difference! :)